Have you ever felt bad for yourself? Felt like you were letting yourself down? Like you were going back in your progress or failing? Yeah. Me neither.
I was going through a really tough time recently, and I was just pittying myself and focusing on all the negative. I was also experiencing some minor depression and I felt like I had no one to turn to. I just kept it all bottled up. Well, the bottle overflowed finally. It tipped over and spilled out everywhere.
Life has been tough since moving out of my ex’s house. It was the right decision and I’m glad I did it, but I knew it was going to be difficult. As much as I love my family, being away from them was when I was finally able to take great strides in my mental health, and I knew going back would bring some setbacks. It’s March now, and during February I started feeling some depression. As someone that suffered from severe chronic depression for over 15 years, with about 12 years of thoughts of suicide or wishing I wasn’t alive daily, this minor depression snuck up on me. I left it untreated. I didn’t tell anyone, and I didn’t tell God. There goes prideful me, “I can handle it. I got this.” A month later and it still went untreated, and I started having intrusive thoughts. “I wonder what would happen if I left my car on cruise control and ran off the side of the highway?” Well, I’d die. The same day I had that thought, I told a friend, and later I cried out to God.
I was leaving work and I was pittying myself and thinking that I should not have told that person what was going on and that they’d see me differently now, and I didn’t need anymore pitty. Not once has this person ever pittied me, which is why I confided in them. There’s a lie. Thanks Satan. I was driving to the gym, still in my thoughts thinking I’ll need to go back on Sertraline probably to help with the depression. Great. People are going to think lesser of me. Another lie. People will only know if I tell them, and just because you need medication does not mean you need pitty, nor does it mean people will see you differently. If they do, you don’t need them. The last thought I had was, “great. All that hard work for nothing. I have to go back to that medication.” Pitty is powerful.
I was at the gym thinking all these things, and I was hitting squats and had my friend record me hit a PR. She told me how strong I was. I tried to deflect, and at a certain point I realized what I was doing, and when she gave me another compliment, I accepted it. Finally! Dramatic eye roll please. It started another thought loop though. My year in the gym has been anything but linear, and yet I’ve still made such tremendous progress. I might not bench what I wish I was benching right now, but I’m benching better and safer, and I’ve learned valuable lessons in progress. You’re going to not do well at a certain point. It might feel like you’re going backwards but show up. Put in the maximum effort you can muster up. Eventually, you’ll look back and be proud of where you’re at. The lows help you appreciate the highs.
Yeah, I might be having some mental health setbacks, but that doesn’t negate the progress I’ve accomplished. I took twelve giant leaps forward, and 6 baby steps back. It happens. I’m still doing far better than I was before. I used to be so ashamed of my life and the things I’ve been through until I started sharing. I used to think God was punishing me, or that He didn’t love me. But really what was happening, was that He was building my character so that I could share my story and help others with their shame. When you go through something dark, embarrassing, difficult, it’s so easy to hold it in and lock it up because you think no one will understand or love you. Another lie. The amount of people I have helped because of all the crap that I have been through, makes everything worth it. God designed us so that our hearts could connect with each other, so that my heart could heal your heart, and you could heal another’s. When man fell and Satan took over and freewill became a thing, the world became dark. Jesus brought the light. In John 8:12, He said, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t walk in darkness, because you will have light that leads to life.” When I was able to surrender to Him, and I repented for pushing Him away in my darkness, the light He filled me with was so overwhelming. If you’re in a rut, any kind of rut, run to Him. He is a Father, a friend, a Savior. Romans 5:3-5 says to the effect that suffering helps us build endurance, endurance develops strength of character, character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. This hope will not disappoint us because we know how much God loves us, that He gave his Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.
If you have been ashamed or scared to let anyone in on what’s going on in your life, I encourage you to share. Share with one person and share it with God. Don’t let it build up and become so unmanageable. But your pride aside. You sharing your story might help heal someone else’s heart. And it will also heal yours.
With light and love, Lyss
3/19/2024