Starting the year off strong with a confession. Hi, I’m Alyssa, and I was addicted to porn, I struggled majorly with sexual immorality, I had very low self-worth because I wrongly placed it in the hands of men, and I am in love with Jesus. I’d like to start off by saying, God is so incredible with His timing. Not only is it always perfect, but seeing everything unfold and watching as He rolls out the red carpet for you to debut your sin you’ve been struggling with, it is absolutely awe-inspiring. How could you not give Him praise and glory? I have been struggling with these issues since I was a teenager. My porn addiction got to the point that I turned it on just…to have it on. It was so normal. And because I became so accustomed to it, it started getting rougher, and darker. And one day I looked at what I was watching, and I was disgusted in myself. I had just committed sexual immorality, and it reflected what I was watching, and it was so degrading, and I just sat there and thought to myself, “no wonder I feel like garbage. I’m watching something so pure and Godly, and perverted it and twisted it so badly. It wasn’t even close to what God had intended for sex. And yes, sex is God-given. It’s right there in Genesis. Don’t believe me? Pick up your Bible and read.
I have been in my walk with Jesus for 8 months now, and my sexual sins were eating me alive. I didn’t breathe a single peep to anyone. Of course, I told guys on dating apps and stuff that I wanted to wait until marriage to weed out the “unworthy” ones, which it worked, but one managed to slip through the cracks. He was kind, and charismatic, funny, and respectful. And in my head, it had been months since I had gotten my fix and I needed it. I was like that episode of SpongeBob where he was in Sandy’s house for the first time, and he was dried to a crisp and he was looking at the glass of water and he’s thinking to himself, “I don’t need it.” Until he screams, “I need it!” and douses himself with water and became mad with thirst. That’s how I felt about sex when I started talking to this guy. It was a recipe for disaster. Add to that, he wasn’t Christian, and did not hold the same beliefs as me for waiting until marriage, I started to cry out for help.
I begged my Christian friends to help me. I told them, “I am going to have sex with him.” And I think they didn’t realize just how serious I was. Even if they did, and despite me crying out for help, my mind was made up. There was no stopping me. I shoved Jesus to the depths of my soul, and immediately after we did the deed, I felt empty. The lust was gone. But the shame was overbearing. I disappointed myself, and even though I knew that Jesus knew it was going to happen long before I did, I felt like He was disappointed in me too. A very valuable lesson I learned from all of this, was that I thought I knew better than He did, and I also learned that I thought I was giving Him control over my life, but I wasn’t. I only gave Him control when it aligned with what I wanted.
When I got home that night, I fell to my knees, and I sobbed. I begged Jesus, praying that He would forgive me. I gave everything up to Him. I felt Him hold me like a father would with a small child. And I continued to sob. I repented, and I asked Him to search my heart. I begged Him to help show me the way to Him. That is when He told me to release everything to Him. I said, “I am Yours.” And I felt the weight of my sexual sins lift off me. I thanked Him. And I feel that our relationship has finally turned into what I truly wanted. I was refusing to let go of the log in my eye for so long. I was letting my sexual sin blockade me from reaching a relationship with Jesus that I so desperately craved. Our relationship was great, but I was holding back such a big secret, and it was eating me alive.
Since giving my sexual sins to Jesus, who so graciously delivered me, I was finally able to admit to myself how naïve and wrong I was for so many years. I swore up and down that men are the worst, and they only see my body and not me. Jesus showed me that men were not the problem. I was. I overly sexualized myself. I dressed provocatively. I made myself bait on a fishing hook. Now, as an empowered woman, I know that our bodies are temples and we need to feel safe around men no matter how we dress, but when you are trying to date and you are showing off all your assets, he’s going to look. He’s human. And be honest, when you see women out in public showing off their assets, you can’t sit there and tell me that you don’t look. Furthermore, when you dress scandalously, you are sexually charging yourself. You feel sexy. So, if you want to date the right way, and save yourself until marriage, don’t set yourself or your date up for failure. It makes it that much harder to fight the urge.
It has been a month since I’ve given my sexual sin, and actively and truly started chasing Jesus without a secret holding me back, and I can honestly say I have never felt more alive. The night I gave myself to Him fully, I asked Him to take away the man for me, because I was too weak. But I knew he wasn’t good for me. It hurt. But God uses all things for our good. When you are honest with yourself, and honest with God, He will always do what is best for you. I like to think of Him truly as a father. He will guide you, protect you, hold you, discipline you, and love you regardless of everything. But on top of all of that, He is also the greatest healer. I am telling you this because I love you, give your burdens to God. Lay them at the foot of the cross. Repent. If there is anyone that you can trust, it’s Jesus. He will never let you down. When you become aligned with Him, you no longer have to worry about whether your paths will coincide with each other, because you will already be on the path that He has created for you.
Thank you for reading this, and I pray it gives you the courage to relieve yourself of this unnecessary burden that you have been carrying. All He wants is to have a relationship with you. Don’t hold yourself back from that.
May God Bless you and keep you.
With light and love, Lyss
1/11/2024