No matter what your brain may think, you matter. I’ve struggled with depression for over a decade, and just now at 26, I’ve finally realized that I matter. Whether you’re a believer, or a non-believer like I was at the time, you’re going to want to stick around for this story.
It was the weekend before entering freshman year of high school. I was at a pool party and me and these two boys that had been family friends were all swimming. One kid starts to drown, but neither me nor the other boy realized what was going on. I swam over thinking nothing of it and he dragged me down. As much as I tried to fight, I couldn’t keep my head above water. And I just started sinking deeper and deeper until he was standing on me, and I had no more fight left in me. Everything went black. And cold. Bone chilling cold. I saw a bright light. It was pure white, and brighter than the sun on a nice sunny summer day. But rather than try to shield my eyes, it called it me. It felt…familiar. Like home. From the light came a figure. It was a man with his arms stretched wide open, and he said, “not yet.” I started to feel my body again, and I could feel the bottom of the pool slanting upwards. I recognized it as the edge of the pool, and I started fighting again.
I emerged from the water taking a loud dramatic breath. I held onto the side of the pool for dear life. (This was one of those large in-ground pools by the way, so I’m holding onto the cement the pool was dug into.) I’m gasping for air, and my mom comes over and tells me I’m embarrassing her because my face is all purple, and to go take a minute in the car. Side note: I asked the boy that wasn’t drowning (at some point, I can’t recall when) how I got out from under the boy who was drowning. He said I started to float. So, he grabbed my arm and dragged me to the edge of the pool. So, I’m in the car, and what my mom said is spinning in my head, and I started texting and trying to call all my friends to tell them what happened. No one cared. They were either too busy or didn’t care enough to text back. I know now as an adult that it was far too traumatic of a story for a bunch of teenagers to handle, but it still did damage. No one cared that I almost died. And this further cemented the idea that I didn’t matter. My depression was right. No one would care if I died.
Throughout my life I partied, did drugs, had suicide attempts, an overall disregard for my life. I know I started with “you matter,” and don’t worry, we’re getting to the good part. Fast forward to 26. I’ve lived quite the life. I turned to God, and I am healing from my trauma. Let it be known, I was healing my traumas before God, but with His help, the process is…better to say the least. That’s for a different blog. Recently, I had another suicidal ideation spell. I wanted to launch myself off a bridge. I prayed as hard as I could on my way home from work, trying to drive through the tears. I was so overwhelmed. The brain fog, the darkness, the emptiness was all-consuming. Even God didn’t care.
I got home, and something inside me was calling me to text my friend. (If you’re a believer, it was the Holy Spirit. If you’re not a believer, call it intuition or wishful thinking.) I texted her, and she started giving me the whole shpiel of therapy and stuff and I was like, “nope.” For those that don’t understand that kind of depression, it is incredibly vulnerable to reach out when you’re in that low of a state. You don’t want to feel like a burden. So, I asked her to pray for me. I got in the shower before she could text back because I needed to be surrounded by water. For whatever reason, it’s easier to sob your heart out in the shower.
I’m in the shower sobbing, holding onto the wall for dear life, about to drop to my knees with the overwhelming feeling of…what felt like grief, I guess. Just a gut-wrenching emotion that takes everything out of you. But that’s when I felt a wave rush over me. It consumed me, and I felt nothing. My tears dried up; the heaving was gone. And I felt nothing. I wasn’t numb. I was a blank slate. A half second after that, I felt happy. I felt my light get restored. I felt joy. I was radiating happiness. I finished up my shower and immediately texted my friend asking if she prayed for me. She did. For those that are believers, you know the Holy Spirit took over. For those that aren’t believers, call it some crazy anomaly. But in my years of battling depression and suicidal ideation that has never happened. It can subside, and hide, but I always relapse a day or two later. It’s been a whole week, and I am radiating joy, happiness, and light.
When it was all over, I sat there dumbfounded. I texted someone who is always busy. And she texted back so fast, and made me feel heard, and she cared about me. For the first time in my life, I mattered to someone. For the first time in my life, I felt comfortable enough to be completely vulnerable with someone and open up and give them the tiniest glimpse of the darkness that lives within me. My pit of despair. And she didn’t shun me. She didn’t turn away from me. She helped me. Because of her, I healed from my trauma that I’ve been carrying for over 10 years now. I matter. If you don’t surround yourself with people that make you feel like you matter, then I highly suggest you drop that dead weight, and you move on. There is someone in this world who cares about you. Life is too short to be spent with people that drag you down. Change is hard. Kicking people to the curb is hard. But you have to do what’s best for you. If you’re struggling, please do yourself a favor and have deep, meaningful conversations with people. It will allow you to open up and be vulnerable in these low moments. If you’re not struggling, but you know someone who does struggle from time to time, then reach out. They don’t want to be a burden. Reassure them. There’s no such thing as spreading “too much” love.
For my believers, I know that not only does someone on this planet care for me, but I also realized how much God cares for me. Our Father did not let me die. He put the right people in my path so that someday I could share the story of His power, mercy, and love. A story, a time in my life, that caused me so much pain, has turned into my power. My testimony. I matter to Him. And so do you. No matter what you’re going through, He will always stand by your side. Even when you feel like he’s left the conversation, He’s waiting for you. God is always in control, but He doesn’t always take control (I heard it from Elevation Church). He stood by me the whole time, but I had to listen to Him. The Holy Spirit told me to text my friend and I did. He put her in my path to help me heal. If you’re struggling with temporary things of the Earth, or if you’re struggling with your faith, shut up and listen. Don’t just talk. Listen. He will reveal everything if you give Him the time. But you can’t be afraid to put in the work. You matter to Him. We all have a purpose. Just listen. Praise Him in your highs, and your lows because He is always working. Don’t forget to spread and receive love fully.
With light and love, Lyss
10/27/2023