My journey with faith has been a wild one. I spent all my life (I’m 26 now, only 6 months into my faith) rebuking Jesus and His followers. I hated people who followed religion. And it hurts my heart to look back and see how much hate lived in me. I was miserable, and anxious, depressed, hateful, spiteful, and rude to everyone.
I had a mental breakdown and went to the emergency room and told them I wanted to kill myself. They brought me to the psych ward (if there’s another name, I apologize for the harshness of my choice of words) and I spent the day there. Crying in silence and boredom. I was reflecting on my life and talking with the kindest doctors. They offered me a great group therapy program and I took it after work said they would grant me the time off. During that time, I was given medications and I found a psychiatrist and a therapist. My life started to turn around. I was becoming more aware of myself. When I felt truly happy for the first time ever because I could finally feel the serotonin my body was making, I was overjoyed and overwhelmed. It’s something I hope I’ll never forget, and never again take for granted.
When my mind was right, it was time to get my body right. I was very overweight and uncomfortable and disgusted with myself. My brother showed me the gym. And I’ve never been happier lifting heavy circles. I was doing that for a few months, and I still felt like something was missing. I was getting a little more spiritual at this point, but I didn’t feel anything from that spiritualism. I have a friend at work who is a Christian and I started asking him questions. I also started testing God at this point. I was very skeptical, and very sassy with Him. And He still answered me. I was dumbfounded. And I was starting to feel full.
I finally felt like the pieces of my life were coming together. But I was still lost. I knew I was still missing a piece that I needed. I didn’t know how to build a relationship with my Creator. So, one Sunday I decided there was nothing I could lose if I just tried to go to my friend’s church, New Day in Enfield, CT. Well, it was Andrew Charko’s day to preach, and he preached about King Herod and Herodias. I got a history lesson and because of that, I now respected the church. Which was huge for me because I hated church growing up. I went to Catholic church and it was not the vibe for me. So I decided to go back the next week. And the week after, and the week after. I started to learn about Jesus. And I fell in love.
If God loved me enough to send His only son to die for me, maybe I could do my part and be better. Be more Christ-like. Be a nicer person. Be more kind, generous, and happy. Of course, it didn’t happen overnight, and it’s something that takes a conscious effort to do every day, but I wanted to be better. I was still overtly sinning while attending church in the beginning, but I got out of that sin. I started healing and repenting and practicing purity. I finally feel whole now. My depression is at a minimum. When I relapsed with suicidal ideation, I asked a friend to pray for me, and I felt the depression leave me in a wave. It had never happened before and I thanked God for such a total and fast renewal (for that story, read “You Matter” in my blog). And I thanked my friend for her prayers. And I didn’t relapse. God is so good. And Jesus is the only idol I need. I’m learning to not idolize money or material things, and a family member who came to church with me mentioned that I was calm now. She really loved seeing me in this new light. And it was refreshing. My whole family and all my friends have noticed such a difference in me. Jesus changed my life. His love completely converted me and got me to this point of peace. I have my days where I slip up, but His love keeps me on such a high level, that even when I slip up, I know He still loves me. I couldn’t ask for a better Father, or a better leader.
Looking back at my journey, I would not change it for the world. God always has a plan for you. You may struggle, and you may have a really hard time in life, but it’s important to smile through the struggle. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” (James 1:2-4). I always say in life there are blessings and lessons. Even the lessons are blessings in disguise though. He uses all things to help better us. So, count your blessings, and thank Him for all that He has given you. Even if the only praise you can give Him at the time is breath in your lungs.
With light and love, Lyss
12/2/23