You Matter.
No matter what your brain may think, you matter. I’ve struggled with depression for over a decade, and just now at 26, I’ve finally realized that I matter. Whether you’re a believer, or a non-believer like I was at the time, you’re going to want to stick around for this story.
It was the weekend before entering freshman year of high school. I was at a pool party and me and these two boys that had been family friends were all swimming. One kid starts to drown, but neither me nor the other boy realized what was going on. I swam over thinking nothing of it and he dragged me down. As much as I tried to fight, I couldn’t keep my head above water. And I just started sinking deeper and deeper until he was standing on me, and I had no more fight left in me. Everything went black. And cold. Bone chilling cold. I saw a bright light. It was pure white, and brighter than the sun on a nice sunny summer day. But rather than try to shield my eyes, it called to me. It felt…familiar. Like home. From the light came a figure. It was a man with his arms stretched wide open, and he said, “not yet.” I started to feel my body again, and I could feel the bottom of the pool slanting upwards. I recognized it as the edge of the pool, and I started fighting again.
I emerged from the water taking a loud dramatic breath. I held onto the side of the pool for dear life. (This was one of those large in-ground pools by the way, so I’m holding onto the cement the pool was dug into.) I’m gasping for air, and my mom comes over and tells me I’m embarrassing her because my face is all purple, and to go take a minute in the car. Side note: I asked the boy that wasn’t drowning (at some point, I can’t recall when) how I got out from under the boy who was drowning. He said I started to float. So, he grabbed my arm and dragged me to the edge of the pool. So, I’m in the car, and what my mom said is spinning in my head, and I started texting and trying to call all my friends to tell them what happened. No one cared. They were either too busy or didn’t care enough to text back. I know now as an adult that it was far too traumatic of a story for a bunch of teenagers to handle, but it still did damage. No one cared that I almost died. And this further cemented the idea that I didn’t matter. My depression was right. No one would care if I died.
Throughout my life I partied, did drugs, had suicide attempts, an overall disregard for my life. I know I started with “you matter,” and don’t worry, we’re getting to the good part. Fast forward to 26. I’ve lived quite the life. I turned to God, and I am healing from my trauma. Let it be known, I was healing my traumas before God, but with His help, the process is…better to say the least. That’s for a different blog. Recently, I had another suicidal ideation spell. I wanted to launch myself off a bridge. I prayed as hard as I could on my way home from work, trying to drive through the tears. I was so overwhelmed. The brain fog, the darkness, the emptiness was all-consuming. Even God didn’t care.
I got home, and something inside me was calling me to text my friend. (If you’re a believer, it was the Holy Spirit. If you’re not a believer, call it intuition or wishful thinking.) I texted her, and she started giving me the whole shpiel of therapy and stuff and I was like, “nope.” For those that don’t understand that kind of depression, it is incredibly vulnerable to reach out when you’re in that low of a state. You don’t want to feel like a burden. So, I asked her to pray for me. I got in the shower before she could text back because I needed to be surrounded by water. For whatever reason, it’s easier to sob your heart out in the shower.
I’m in the shower sobbing, holding onto the wall for dear life, about to drop to my knees with the overwhelming feeling of…what felt like grief, I guess. Just a gut-wrenching emotion that takes everything out of you. But that’s when I felt a wave rush over me. It consumed me, and I felt nothing. My tears dried up; the heaving was gone. And I felt nothing. I wasn’t numb. I was a blank slate. A half second after that, I felt happy. I felt my light get restored. I felt joy. I was radiating happiness. I finished up my shower and immediately texted my friend asking if she prayed for me. She did. For those that are believers, you know the Holy Spirit took over. For those that aren’t believers, call it some crazy anomaly. But in my years of battling depression and suicidal ideation that has never happened. It can subside, and hide, but I always relapse a day or two later. It’s been a whole week, and I am radiating joy, happiness, and light.
When it was all over, I sat there dumbfounded. I texted someone who is always busy. And she texted back so fast, and made me feel heard, and she cared about me. For the first time in my life, I mattered to someone. For the first time in my life, I felt comfortable enough to be completely vulnerable with someone and open up and give them the tiniest glimpse of the darkness that lives within me. My pit of despair. And she didn’t shun me. She didn’t turn away from me. She helped me. Because of her, I healed from my trauma that I’ve been carrying for over 10 years now. I matter. If you don’t surround yourself with people that make you feel like you matter, then I highly suggest you drop that dead weight, and you move on. There is someone in this world who cares about you. Life is too short to be spent with people that drag you down. Change is hard. Kicking people to the curb is hard. But you have to do what’s best for you. If you’re struggling, please do yourself a favor and have deep, meaningful conversations with people. It will allow you to open up and be vulnerable in these low moments. If you’re not struggling, but you know someone who does struggle from time to time, then reach out. They don’t want to be a burden. Reassure them. There’s no such thing as spreading “too much” love.
For my believers, I know that not only does someone on this planet care for me, but I also realized how much God cares for me. Our Father did not let me die. He put the right people in my path so that someday I could share the story of His power, mercy, and love. A story, a time in my life, that caused me so much pain, has turned into my power. My testimony. I matter to Him. And so do you. No matter what you’re going through, He will always stand by your side. Even when you feel like he’s left the conversation, He’s waiting for you. God is always in control, but He doesn’t always take control (I heard it from Elevation Church). He stood by me the whole time, but I had to listen to Him. The Holy Spirit told me to text my friend and I did. He put her in my path to help me heal. If you’re struggling with temporary things of the Earth, or if you’re struggling with your faith, shut up and listen. Don’t just talk. Listen. He will reveal everything if you give Him the time. But you can’t be afraid to put in the work. You matter to Him. We all have a purpose. Just listen. Praise Him in your highs, and your lows because He is always working. Don’t forget to spread and receive love fully.
With light and love, Lyss
10/27/2023
Level up with Lyss
Don’t give up. Past you would be proud. Future you will look back and thank you.
Don’t hold on to dead weight. Sometimes people need to see the light you shine in order to make them want to be better.
No matter how much you want, you will never change someone. You can love them from a safe distance, but it’s okay to set up that boundary, and wish nothing but the best for them.
You can’t fill other’s cups without first filling yours.
It’s better to be a warrior in a garden, than a gardener in a war.
Grocery shop. Trust me, it’s cheaper.
Budget! Visit MoneyWiseMom on YouTube.
Find something to believe in. Science, God, the Universe. Just something to give you hope.
Exercise. Please. It helps. I went from chronic pain to no pain when I started weightlifting.
When lifting, the word “heavy” is subjective.
Don’t compare yourself to anyone. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, or last week, or last year. But never to another person.
When validating someone’s feelings, don’t tell them you understand how they feel. Everyone feels things differently, even if you go through the same experience, you don’t experience it through their eyes, or their heart. Let them know they’re heard, and that you’re there to listen.
When a friend vents to me, I try to take a minute to ask them what they want from me. Advice, a listening ear, or something else. Usually, it’s a listening ear.
Listening is more important than speaking.
Enjoy the silence.
Get outside more.
Cherish the little things.
If something is still bothering you 24 hours later, it’s time to address it. Rip the band aid off. You’ll be better off in the long run.
If work offers safety training (fire extinguisher, first aid, CPR, etc.) take it. You never know when you might need it.
Automatically put 10% of your check into savings.
Believers: give 10% of your check to your church. God woke you up and allowed you to work. You will end, but His word will never end. That 10% will go towards making more disciples, and/or helping fellow brothers and sisters out. You won’t miss it. And if you give with a happy heart, He will bless you. Trust me.
Don’t trust strangers on the internet. (see what I did there.)
Ladies, if you travel alone, keep your head on a swivel. Never wear your hair in a ponytail. Keep your bag close to you. But if someone “asks” for your bag, it doesn’t cost more than your life.
Never stop reading. It keeps you sharp.
Don’t listen to everything I say. Take what I have to say into consideration, but ultimately, you need to live your own life. I just hope that I equip you with some useful tools. And self-love.
When Your Tumbler Takes a Tumble
Recently I bought a 40oz water bottle at Target. In my opinion, it’s totally worth it. You can understand though, why I was so upset WHEN I DROPPED IT. I was having a day that day. I was dropping everything. Now mind you, this is a solid, matte tumbler, so when there’s a dent, you can see it. Luckily it didn’t get too busted up because I might have cried. I was looking at it after I picked it up to inspect it and I was like, well it has some dents now, but that’s okay, it still works. It wasn’t until I showed my friend where she dropped a wisdom bomb on me that I realized it’s really okay. She said it has personality now, to which I said, just because it’s a little busted up, doesn’t mean it’s not useful. I still really love it.
Now, let’s take the tumbler out of the equation, and let’s, for ha-ha’s, bring it to a more personal level. Just because you have some bumps, and lumps, and bruises, or some other imperfection, does not mean that you are useless, or less beautiful. Men I’m talking to you too. Beauty isn’t what’s on the outside. It’s what’s on the inside. You can be pretty or handsome, but still be ugly. Don’t worry too much about the physical appearance. Worry about what’s on the inside. That’s what’s useful. Are you a good listener, are you kind, are you wise, or generous, or intelligent? That’s what matters. The right people will gravitate towards you when you start showcasing that more than your body. I’m speaking from experience. Do you have to take my word for it? No. Absolutely not. And that’s not my goal. My goal is to give you something to reflect on in times of need. In times of change. I’m here to help guide you. We all have our own lives we need to live, our own mistakes and lessons, but we also need guidance. A little voice in the back of our heads (the Holy Spirit for my believers) to help us make difficult decisions. Or perhaps lend some courage and love. So moral of the story, just because you have imperfections, it does not make you less worthy of love.
With light and love, Lyss
10/27/2023